I don’t often talk about my personal life on here but I’ve got to get something off my chest. I am merely 21 years old but I have had my fair share of relationships which I have managed to keep private (pats self on back) because that is just how I roll. Needless to say, I have been single for a while now because those failed relationships have taught me not to settle for less than what I know I deserve.
If there is one thing I miss about being in a relationship, it is having someone to confide in and having someone who is interested in how my day was even if it does not differ from yesterday. While I do have friends and family who are very supportive, it doesn’t quite compare to when it is your significant other (not sure if I can use this term since I’ve never been married to any of them?) expressing that care.
The one relationship that I ended after finding out that I was actually the side-wheel was with someone who cared a lot for me. Someone who valued what I had to say even if we did not always agree. When I ended things, I found that I still longed for that attention and validation that my thoughts and the trivialities of my day mattered to someone.
At some stage I have professed that I was meant to be alone, but deep down I know this is a blatant lie. An effort to protect myself, I guess. The thing is, a number of people have expressed interest, but I am at a point where I know what is and what isn’t right for me and I am not willing to waste my time and emotions with that which isn’t.
While wearing this mask of supposedly being happily single, I have often asked myself how others do it. I am of the opinion that not everyone will end up with their soulmate and that not everyone will die with someone, but I wonder how they do it. What do they do when feeling lonely? I often summon my friends for dinner or force them into spending more time on campus (with me) and sometimes it does not work because I know that I have to return to the silence of my four walls.
When my friends are ultimately unavailable (they do have lives outside of babysitting me), I sometimes go out to dinner on my own. And while I enjoy this sometimes, I also realise that I am not the only one who feels lonely. There in a restaurant, I am often surrounded by other loners and what this teaches me is that you can have this feeling even when surrounded by people.
And I guess this is one of the reasons why I soldier on. I am very cautious of who I allow into my space. I do not want anyone around me who is not going to be of any value to my life. I especially do not want to have people in my life who are going to end up making me feel lonely anyway. I enjoy my own company – I always have. But even I am brave enough to admit that sometimes it does get lonely – and that’s okay.