I have been single for the longest time and for the most part I am okay with it, but I do long for companionship sometimes. There is just something different about a romantic or intimate relationship that platonic ones do not offer. So as I am gearing up and preparing myself to find the one, here are some truths that I have had to come to terms with.
1. Not everyone is your ex
It is only human to try and use past experience as a roadmap to our future. We navigate and often predict the future based on previous hurt, pain and even happiness. This is dangerous because as it often happens, nostalgia is quite subjective.
We remember only the things that we really want to, meaning that we do sometimes have the capacity to exaggerate previous happiness and/or pain. Should we spot anything similar to the past in a new person, we are inclined to believe that they will do the exact same things that the previous person did. This is unfair because we then don’t give them a chance to create their own space in our lives, but rather long for them to occupy the space that the old person once did.
2. You have to put yourself out there
Until recently, I have spent most of my time either at school, in the office or at home with pretty much the same surroundings and people that I have known for about three years. While it’s not impossible to find love with an old friend, sometimes it is also necessary to step out of our comfort zones if this person is clearly not in the circles that we’ve been moving in. Sometimes that means going on blind dates and on dating sites and/or apps. While I do not judge those who do this (I know a number of people who have actually found love online), I still feel like a bit of a loser having opened a Grindr account, especially considering that most of the people on there are not really interested in an actual relationship.
3. Are you the things that you find desirable in others
We can easily say what we want and do not want in a partner but we do not often consider whether we possess what that person wants in a partner. I am realising that I do not, at this point in time, have my life figured out to the point where I wish I did, but I want someone who has some certainty with where his life is going. Maybe that is due to the age range of my “target market” which is 28 and older.
I’m having to come to terms with the fact that it is an unfair expectation to impose on someone and that often times, I also fall short of what that particular person is looking for. Therefore, a lot of work on the self needs to be done.
4. It’s not your fault if it does not work out
A recent situation had me feeling quite rejected and I quickly had to dust myself off and move on with my life. I doubt I would have been able to do this in the short space of time that I did had it not been for my friend Siya, who told me that it was not my fault that it didn’t work out. Many times we are just casualties of love and a pit stop to someone else’s final destination to love. It is not ideal, but this is the world we are living in.
5. Stop putting a deadline to finding love
One of my friends casually joked “What are you doing looking for marriage at age 22?” After the laughs had diffused, I really pondered on this point. I realise that I carry this with me in everything that I do. I want to be successful and I want to be successful right now, however, that is not how life works.
I am learning that just because my business is not making a profit right now, does not mean it won’t ever make a profit in future. The same applies on this journey to finding the one. It might not happen right now, but that does not mean it will never happen. Many people find love much later on in their life because the heart never loses its ability to love so it is pointless to put a deadline to it.